The World According to Humphrey

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Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Say it loud!

Posted by humphreysworld on February 21, 2012

I happened to engage in a back and forth with some chick on Twitter over a tweet that originated with another user. The tweet stated simply put, ‘Black woman, you are valuable, so act like it.’ Something which I very much agree with for many reasons. This follower, however, didn’t agree. In her words to say only that black women were valuable meant that ‘to exclude all women and focus on black women only continues our social problem of racism.’

To that claim I am calling utter bullshit.

Since when does loving my people translate into not appreciating or loving others? Being black is my identity. It is what others define me by and who I define myself by first. And it is for this reason that my love and appreciation of self is (or should be) supported by the love and appreciation of self from my community. Yet we are discouraged to do so. To be around each other in professional settings is something that not only gets noticed but is frowned upon, sometimes sadly from our own people. This brothers’ statement, and my support of that statement was seen as a form of self-oppression.

Did I mention this conversation was between another black woman?

Black people are continually told we are not good enough, pretty enough. Our hair’s too nappy, our nose is too big, our ass is too big, we’re too this, we’re too that. And when it continues to be reinforced from all angles conscious or unconsciously it continues to weigh on the mind and soul until we believe it ourselves and begin to devalue ourselves. To have pride in one’s ethnicity is not a matter of perpetuating racism, it’s a matter of self preservation.

It’s also a matter of celebration! I love my people. Period. I love our spirit, our skin, our hair, our determination, our truth. Does that mean I don’t love yours or anyone else’s? No. But to try and take that away from me (or you) is what continues to perpetuate the self loathing this girl was certain we were reinforcing by declaring love/value/appreciation for our own.

Last night a friend of mine stayed with me. He was too tired to drive and we fell asleep together (minds out of the gutter please, ahem). At one point during the night, the light from my window caught my attention of our two bodies laying close; different shades, different shapes, different people.  Both black, and both appreciative for the other for different reasons– all of them stemming from knowing the value we hold.

And that I will never be ashamed of.


Posted in Culture, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »


Posted by humphreysworld on May 2, 2011

On September 11, 2001 I got a call at 3:30am my time (Hawaii) from my friend Jacqueline. ‘Something’s blown up in NY, I don’t know what’s going on’. And just like that, the world was forever changed. I know there is no one in this country, perhaps even the world, who will forget where they were when they first learned of the unfolding tragedy. Except for the children born into a world they knew nothing of. And nearly 10 years later here we are, the man behind the madness has been killed. Within minutes of the news breaking people flocked to the White House with impromptu renditions of the Star Spangled Banner and chants of ‘USA’, ‘USA’. I was glued to the t.v. and on tweeting much like I was that fateful day so long ago. The death of a man who hate so much hate in his heart, and not just for Americans seems like a good thing. After all, he undoubtedly celebrated as images of people jumping to their death and the towers engulfed in flames poured in. He brought destruction where no other did, to our shores. Unless it was by our own hands of course. My good friend lost her brother to the war on terror, and  we lost our civil liberties. So his passing should be good, right?

So why don’t I feel like celebrating?

Well, I find it hard to celebrate death. No matter how heinous a life. Don’t take this statement to be anything close to sympathy. To this day I cannot think of 9/11 without breaking down into tears because of the lives lost because of the hatred of another. And I also don’t judge those who took to the streets. I wanted to be there myself. He was one of the biggest threats to our security, and it is after all human nature to want revenge, death even, for one who is your natural enemy. We lost a lot on that day at the hands of that piece of shit. Our sense of security. Our right to privacy. 3000 lives of our fellow humankind. But why did he choose this country as his target?

The same reason anyone chooses to target another.  Hate.

And it’s hate that keeps me from celebrating. Because until we stop this cycle, the violence, the wars, the dying, the threat will never end. We don’t like what we don’t understand, isn’t that how the old saying goes? Some took revenge on Muslims after 9/11 because we assumed Osama and Muslims were one in the same and without questions outcast an entire religion. Some do not like or  understand what it means to be gay, so rather than understand some would rather beat you and tie you to a fence to die.  Some have been told that one race is superior to another and that, said race is a threat to your way of life. So rather than question or attempt to understand, some chose to hang ,burn churches or drag you through the street. Hate has manifested itself in many, many forms. And until we find peace among what we cannot- and maybe will never- understand, there will always be an enemy, lying in wait to do the devils work. And there will always be others who, fail to understand and follow blindly to do his bidding.

I am so proud of our armed forces. They have spent years in harms way trying to protect our country and way of life. Some, unfortunately, did not make it back. I want them home. And I want the hate to stop. Some day, I want to be a parent. And I don’t want my child to see the things I have seen in my lifetime. No child should live in a state of heightened awareness- and that goes for the children in America, children in Afghanistan, children all over the world. He’s dead. We can’t afford to be naive and assume all is well, but let us take this time and try to make peace of this life. It’s the only one we have.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

RNC’s closet freaks.

Posted by humphreysworld on February 9, 2011

I’ve been involved in the world of politics in one way or another for more than half my life. And during that time I’ve seen the good, the bad, the corrupt and the brave. Moral high ground rhetoric has always been present, but these days it seems as though it’s at an all-time high. I guess that’s why when I see stories like this I wet myself a little from excitement.

Looks like their moral peg just got knocked down one more pant button.

Congressman Chris Lee of New York thought the best use of his time was trolling craigslist for some trim. And in true craigslist fashion, he posted a pic of his hot old man naked body for the ladies to swoon over. Nothing wrong with that, if you’ve taken a troll stroll through craigslist you’ll find that most posts contain a naked body part. The only glitch in his matrix is that he happens to be married. Oopsies.

Cheating (or naughty craigslist posts) are not limited to men, republicans, or republican men. The thing I find most fascinating by this however is the fact that the republicans for so long have tried to pain themselves as holier than thou, with all the answers when it comes to chastity, family values, etc. etc. But I can count on both hands the number of times their dalliances have made the paper. How does that make them the party of family values?

They’ve spent so much time telling everyone how they should live their lives: don’t have sex, but if you do make sure it’s only with the opposite sex. Porn and strip clubs are bad, unless it’s the RNC and in which case sex clubs are totally acceptable. Be faithful, unless you find someone else that’s hotter than your wife. And yet in spite of all this, they don’t seem to hold themselves to the standards that they proclaim- or shove down our throats.

Let me say this before someone sends me hate mail: As a lifelong registered Democrat, I know the party isn’t perfect. Former Congressman Jefferson of Louisiana managed to stuff more than $90,000 benjamins in between his frozen peas and Ben & Jerry’s, acquired by taking bribes. Not cool. There have been a few other discrepancies as well. Neither party is perfect. But the dems at least don’t pretend to be. They just pretend to be effective.

Congressman Lee stepped down just before his pecks graced the front page of CNN this evening. Perhaps his instant removal was a result of the republican crackdown of closet freaks. Who can say, but I for one am tired of the double standard. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to troll craigslist, I heard Bristol’s got a new gig and I want to be the one to break the story… Kidding!

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

MTV’s Big FAT problem.

Posted by humphreysworld on January 19, 2011

August 1, 1981. I was there when MTV aired the first video. The Buggles, Video Killed the Radio Star. I know it’s hard to believe, but once upon a time MTV played music videos(the ‘m’ is for music, you know) . Nowadays however, MTV is filled with alleged reality shows. Shows about Jersey Shore’s drunken crabs-filled antics, dating people’s moms, and let’s not forget how they’ve managed to turn a sad tragedy like pregnant teens into celebrities. But a new show debuted recently called ‘I Used to be Fat’, and I happened to come across a preview for the next show one very bored and particularly lazy Saturday morning.

caption courtesy of MTV

Now I don’t have a problem with people going through their weight loss ups and downs for the camera. I’ve seen marriages break up, births, mental breakdowns- this is the state of television today. However the message of this particular episode struck a cord with me.  Mackenzie, a recent high school graduate felt she was ugly because she was fat and that no one would want to love her because of it. And I have a bone to pick with that.

You see, I’m fat.

And as a single girl who happens to fall in the above category, I take exception to Mackenzie assuming she is doomed to be alone.  EVERYONE deserves love.  Mackenzie was not only pretty, but witty, smart and ambitious. Admirable qualities anyone would adore. Yet even her own father was convinced that she couldn’t have the fairy tale wedding of her dreams because she wasn’t pretty (a.k.a she was fat and therefore gross). Being healthy should be a priority for everyone, no doubt. Could I stand to shed a few pounds? Absolutely. Judging from the preview of Mackenzie’s eating habits she could certainly stand to incorporate some healthier foods into her diet. I’m willing to bet we all could. I take exception to people who assume that because you fall into the category of plus you are lazy, eat shitty foods and don’t care about your health. I personally work out 3-4 times a week, eat 4-5 servings of fruits and veggies almost every day and take care of myself. Not only that, but I have a good career, friends who I enjoy and I date. Don’t get me wrong. I, and I’m sure countless others have felt like Mackenzie. And I know I’ve gone out with some men who have treated me like shit because they assume I could get no other. But those men treat most women like shit and are not worth my, Mackenzie’s or anyone else’s time. There are many men and women in the world who are skinny and are thieves, liars, cheats, lazy- being skinny does not mean you are good and therefore deserving of love, any more than being fat means you don’t.

Mackenzie should get healthy because she wants to, not because she won’t find love. Americans eat a lot of shit. And it needs to change. Sugar and crappy, low quality foods are everywhere. If you’re poor, eating healthy is even less of a reality. I am not defending eating poorly, being unhealthy, or anything of the sort and I dare anyone to challenge my position otherwise. But what I am challenging is the notion that you have to be a size 4 to find love and happiness.

And if you don’t like it you can kiss my fat ass.

Posted in dating, pop culture, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Where/when will it end?

Posted by humphreysworld on January 9, 2011

What is the definition of a crosshair? Well, the technical description from Webster’s dictionary is as follows:

a fine wire or thread in the focus of the eyepiece of an optical instrument used as a reference line in the field or for marking the instrumental axis —used figuratively to describe someone or something being targeted as if through an aiming device having crosshairs.

Gun scopes use crosshairs for marking the precise spot for their target. Interestingly enough, everybody’s favorite tea bagger Sarah Palin created a map using crosshairs aimed at races she wanted to take and spread it to her minions pinpointing her targets. Political targets, that is. Unfortunately some have chosen to take that literally. Arizona Rep. Giffords was on that map. And despite her dimwit aide claiming that the map was not intended as targets of violence, in a world where so many refuse to think for themselves, can anyone be surprised by the outcome?

Pull a boob out at the super bowl and everyone goes nuts, but violence in today’s culture is an accepted norm. And nutters like Jared Loughner have the NRA on their side. The NRA doesn’t care who you are, what you’ve done or your state of mind, according to them you have a right to bare arms. Unfortunately that’s a load of shit. If you are mentally unstable (remember the Virginia Tech shooting?), you shouldn’t have access to a gun. Yet Seung Hui Cho picked out a gun like he was buying a pack of gum- no one bothered to check his background- and 23 people lost their lives.  If you are a domestic abuser you don’t have the right to a gun. I’m sure the 3 women  day who have lost their lives at the hands of their husbands/boyfriends/lovers would agree. If you are a violent individual you don’t have a right to own a gun. Some asshole who was carrying a piece in a club shot and killed two people just last night, including a police officer.

This just in: guns kill, folks.

People own guns for many uses, but all of them have one result- to cause harm. People hunt for the purpose of killing an animal for sport or necessity. People keep a gun in their home for protection from intruders, who you may shoot if the situation presents itself. And even something as innocent as a shooting range, you are practicing on a paper target of a human (a black one, but I digress) so that, should the need arise, you can take out your target. And in the world of politics, the lines are blurring between words and action– with sometimes violent results. After the health care vote, dozens of politicans’ offices were struck with violence and many were contacted at their home and threatened with violence. Sarah Palin and her cronies have spent months working people up into a frenzy against the black president, his agenda and anyone who supports it. One of those political marks was Giffords. Palin’s tweet on March 23rd where she promotes the use of this map which claims to not invite violence she said, “Commonsense Conservatives & lovers of America: ‘Don’t Retreat, Instead – RELOAD!’ Pls see my Facebook page.1 Reload? That doesn’t invite violence at all.

There’s something seriously wrong here. As a country we need to look at our priorities. Children are playing with guns instead of puzzles, pregnant teens are celebrities, education is looked at as something only elitists should aim for, and violence is everywhere you look. That’s not what this country should be about. And the Palin’s of the world need to accept responsibility for the hatred they spew and how it can end up changing lives forever. Loughner is by no means blameless. He hatched the plan and he pulled the trigger. Would he have done so if he wasn’t lead to believe that the socialist government takeover was eminent, I don’t know. But I will say this: We are fighting enough wars in this country- poverty, violence against women, ageism, sexism, racism, homelessness, hunger- we cannot afford to turn a blind eye to this. The rhetoric needs to stop. The hatred needs to stop. The violence HAS to stop.

The little girl who was killed in yesterday’s incident was born on 9/11/2001. Born in the wake of terrorists, died at the hands of terrorists. Haven’t we seen enough?


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2010 sucked! Here’s a recap (in case you missed it).

Posted by humphreysworld on December 31, 2010

At about this time last year, I was cursing 2009 and wishing it was over. Unfortunately my response to 2010 is no different- good riddance! What a year this has been. And even though I enjoy talking about myself I won’t bore you with a rewind of my life. Although if you’d like to know ask me for a beer and I’ll gladly spill my guts. No instead, I’m going to take a trip down jacked up memory lane at some of the weird, mondo bizarro and mildly entertaining things that happened this year. You may question the significance of some of this, but it’s my blog and I’ll write what the hell I like.

I have been living in the DMV area for 6.5 looong years. Yes, I am over it.

There's a car under there somewhere.

But nothing pushed me to my brink like the Jan/Feb 2010 snow storms. For those of you who live in Buffalo, NY or the artcic tundra, an event like this is nothing new for you. But for those of us who don’t, this was nothing short of, well, a snowpocalypse. Three blizzards back to back within two weeks of each other hit the entire mid-Atlantic area and dumped as much as 40 inches of snow in parts of the state. That’s a lot of damn snow. That’s almost the height of my whole body (I’m short, what do you want?). For a week the federal government was shut down and many of us couldn’t go anywhere. It sucked, to say the least. What a great way to start off the year! I’ve sold my soul to mother nature in exchange for a milder winter. I’m required to speak good tidings of her all year round. But if we get any more than 4 inches of snow all bets are off bitch!

Holy healthcare Batman!
As someone who spent 8 years of her life without insurance, and then continued to get f’d in the a after having insurance, this was a great day for me. Hell, it was a great day for many, despite tea bagger complaints. It wasn’t perfect, and it took A LOT longer than it should have, but I’ll be damned if Congress didn’t earn their pay for once and passed a significant piece of legislation. Let’s not kid ourselves folks, there’s still work to be done. The insurance industry is still ripping people and healthcare organizations off (insurance across the board needs reform but we won’t go there). But things will get a little easier for those who need it the most and it will save the country a bundle. Not to mention employers, who will not only benefit from tax breaks for providing insurance for their employees, but will also have healthier employees that can get their typhoid flu checked before spreading it to others- thereby keeping their workforce healthy and productive. I realize that there are a few of you who don’t believe this is true, but you can suck an egg because there’s nothing you can do about it.

BP, the King Douche of the World
I believe BP changed their name from British Petroleum to Beyond Petroleum sometime after one of their earlier oil spills. I can’t imagine what they would call themselves after this years’ catastrophic oil spill in the gulf. The gulf was STILL recovering from Hurricane Katrina and then wham! An oil rig explodes in the gulf, killing 13 people and spewing more than 205 million (no need to adjust your glasses, you read that right) gallons of oil into the gulf over the course of 4 months. Images of oil-soaked wildlife, oil slicks everywhere and gooey, disgusting globs shooting out of a broken pipe and washing up on pristine beaches covered our t.v. screens and newspapers for months. Of course, none of the players involved-BP, Halliburton or Transocean would take the blame for the spill, instead they pointed fingers at each other and kept putting that British piece of shit Tony Hayworth on the camera to claim he was sorry. He really looked it. Months later shrimpers were still picking up tar balls in their nets and some areas that were opened up were once again closed to shrimping. If BP is anything like Exxon, and I feel so certain they are if not worse, people who haven’t been paid adequately for their claims never will be. Because congressmen like TX rep. Joe “shakedown” Barton and others whose pockets are greasy with oil payoffs will always turn a blind eye when it comes to regulating the oil industry. Shrimp cocktail anyone? Better get ’em before they’re gone. Literally.

Thar she blows!
I wonder if anyone uses the term ‘thar’ besides pirates… At any rate, the

photo courtesy of the Christian Science Monitor

Icelandic version of mother nature, Dagbjart (I just made that up), got pissed off and blew her top. Literally. Eyjafjallajökull (how the hell do you pronounce that, anyway?) shot her wad and as a result the airline industry was brought to a stand still. The closures of the airports caused people in Europe and across the world to be stuck like chuck. A beautiful marvel, but what a pain in the ass. And her volcanic twin, Mt. fingerbergerberger (I made that up as well) was threatening to blow her top as well, which would have been a real pain in the arse. Thankfully she didn’t and after a month the industry got back on track and air travel resumed.

Assange, 1.0
Transparency has never been the government’s strong suit. Who really killed JFK, where the hell is Jimmy Hoffa, what are underpants knomes, these are just some of the few things we’ve all wanted to know but have not been privy to thanks to a lot of government hokus pokus. Well in July Julian Assange decided he had enough of the government cover up job on the Afghan war and released more than 90,000 cables of classified information on our dirty deeds in the act of war. Oops. How he got a hold of that information? Well, he’s a damn fine hacker apparently. And he had a little help from Bradley Manning, an army soldier who accessed information somehow and shared it wikileaks. His ass is in the clink awaiting trial and Julian was just released on bail on different charges (in Assange 2.0, he releases a bunch of cables of us trash talking other countries and countries doing the same about us and each other. Oh, and he’s also been charged with taking the flowers of two Swedish women without their permission. Kinda makes his martyr act go out the window). Something tells me wikileaks and Assange are here to stay, and the world better hold on to it’s hats cuz our dirty laundry is going to keep getting out there.

Miner 69’er (get your minds out of the gutter!)

Photo courtesy of the Telegraph

These stories always end in tragedy but this one had a happy ending. Over the years when mines of various types have collapsed, few people if any manage to come out alive. Damn if these mofo’s not only stayed under ground for 69 days, they ALL made it. The Chilean mine collapse caught all of our attention, and for 69 days we watched as they sent notes to their loved ones, heard tales of their daily routine and proposed marriage- all from 3 miles underground. Kind of amazing. There was an Elvis fan down there, and one of them ran in the NY marathon after he was rescued. More than a billion people watched their rescue as it happened (I was not one of them) and the hottest costume this halloween (besides bed intruder) was a Chilean Miner. A little disturbing but all in good fun. I was Eve of Adam and Eve fame, who am I to judge?

I’m not a witch, I’m an idiot.
Wow. When Sarah Palin was chosen to be McCain’s VP, I said, thank you God. Not that I didn’t know that the election was a wrap by that point, but that ding dong sealed the deal. Fast forward to two years later and the only thing that maybe saved the Senate from flipping GOP was Christine O’Donnell, running for Senate for DE. Where do I start?? Should I start with the fact that she was using campaign funds to pay her bills? Nah, that’s too easy. How about the fact that she didn’t know ANY of the constitution? Funny yes, but not really surprising. They don’t really value all that fancy book learnin. No, I think I would have to pick on her infamous campaign ad, the one where she assured us she wasn’t a witch. Of the pointy had and green faced variety that is. You see, genius here at some point let it slip that when she was younger, she dabbled in wicca. And it was all downhill from there. Downhill for her and a save for Delaware, because if she had won we would have asked you to secede, effective immediately. And while not knowing the constitution was bad enough (as a tea bagger she didn’t even know the 16th amendment. You know, the one having to do with TAXES??), it was this ad that truly sealed her fate. Please, click, and enjoy. I know I did.

Wikileaks 2.0
Yeah, we got served. Again.

Total eclipse of the moon
I know you broke out into Bonnie Tyler just then, and if you didn’t then you

This is not an actual photo of an eclipse, just an eclipse of the heart.

aren’t old enough to read this blog and should go to bed! If I had paid enough attention, I would have known that this particular event hadn’t taken place in more than 400 years. But they always say that so I didn’t set my alarm to catch the first total lunar eclipse to occur on a winter solstice since 1638. Way to go Humphrey! You’ve seen one eclipse you’ve seen them all, but it was still cool.

Damn what a year! And I didn’t even get into my disastrous love life! I’ll just sweep that under the rug with everything else that wasn’t covered in this blog. I hope your 2010 was a good one and if it wasn’t, do like I do tomorrow: polish off a bottle of wine and kick 2010’s ass out of your life and welcome in 2011!

Have a safe and prosperous one!

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Express shipping available on Post-T-Vac and more!

Posted by humphreysworld on December 19, 2010

Those of you who choose to wait until the last minute to buy your Christmas/Festivus gifts do so probably because you don’t know what to get. Well lucky for you I watch a lot of t.v. and can provide you some easy recommendations that you can have under your tree in no time for the special someone in your life.

The succubus
One night when I woke up to tinkle, the murmur of an infomercial caught my eye. At first I thought I still had sleep in my eye, then I realized I was fully awake- and not in a nightmare like I had hoped. Ladies and gents, I give you, Post-t-vac. If you know someone who needs a little help, uh, priming the pump, this is likely the gift for you. It’s like a flowbee for your peen, and according to the old farts in the commercial (and some youngin’s too), it works. Who needs a cream or pill when you can attach this sucker and be ready to go in minutes? Now I know what you’re thinking- it looks like those little capsules that you exchange money through the drive thru teller window with. Well, in both instances you’re hoping to make a deposit right?

Do you love stylish, sexy jeans?
If you do, you shouldn’t buy these. But if you want to give your girlfriends a one-way ticket to camel toe you need to buy a pair of pajama jeans in every size! I do not know what in hells bells possessed someone to create these, but the minute I have a stupid idea I think people will fall for I plan on getting it boxed up and sold to the masses-stat. They are jeans that feel like pj’s. Or pj’s that look like jeans. Either way, you can ride a bike and afterwards take a nap in them. This may the perfect gift for a grandma on the go. I believe there are pockets for her jitterbug.

An old fashioned
What’s good about the shake weight is that it’s available for men AND women! What better way to say I love you than a gift that will help them bone up on their HJ skills? This gift promises to get results in 6 minutes- that’s pretty damn good! Take it from Doug (at the 1:31 mark), he feels insanely hard from using shake weight. Merry Christmas.

Jersey pets, we have something for you, too!
Don’t lie, you know you want a snuggie for your dog. And now you can dress him or her in the latest fashion trend- leopard! That’s right, your dog will be the talk of the park with this fashion forward blanket. I wish they made them for cats.

These gifts are the perfect way to say I love you. Or I hate you. Or you’re inadequate. Or I wish you gave a better HJ. Be sure to leave Santa a $20 bill if you put these on your list. It will help soften the blow of humiliation when he puts in the order with the elves.

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Giving back.

Posted by humphreysworld on November 24, 2010

Most of you may not know this (including my family), but once upon a time I was homeless. I’ll spare you the details of exactly how it came to be (if you want to know the sordid tale, I’ll tell you over a beer), but I found myself without a place to sleep. I had a job, and unlike many homeless people, I was not a drug addict, and could not be classified as crazy. But I had a job that didn’t pay well and I couldn’t afford rent anywhere. So I crashed where I could. Sometimes at a friends house, sometimes I slept at work, sometimes I stayed awake all night at my favorite table at Dennys. All these years later I still remember how being without a home made me feel. Needless to say, homelessness is an issue I care deeply about, so I thought I would take this time to give thanks for my health and the health and well-being of my family and friends, but to also give you some options for giving back.

Every year, Goldstar does a partners with the Capital Area Food Bank to provide Thanksgiving dinner for low-income seniors. Often time these folks sacrifice food and nutrition to pay for the basics, and this programs gives them a healthy, hearty Thanksgiving dinner. I just bought a couple dinners, and for $15 you can too. Click the link above to get more information.

My friend Rose is kind of a rock star. She is baking- count them- 50-70 loaves of pumpkin bread for her local soup kitchen! Amazing! And she and her family volunteer every year on Thanksgiving.  If you’re interested in volunteering for a soup kitchen in your area, check out the volunteer database at, or google it to find one in your area.

I have some friends who participated in last weekend’s walk for the homeless in D.C. (who also rock my world). Fannie Mae also has one every year (to show they are the good guys, of course), as do many cities around the country. It’s too late to register now, but you can A) bookmark it for next year and B) get involved in other ways. Find out here.

I am grateful for so much, particularly of my friends who have given me so much, and who are doing their part to give back to the world. This post isn’t meant to be a sob story or a guilt trip, but to encourage you to do something if you have the means or the time.  Happy turkey (or tofurkey, if that’s your thing) day folks, be safe, be happy, and be thankful. I know I am.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

A Girls Guide to Feeling a Little bit Better

Posted by humphreysworld on October 29, 2010

Those close to me (and some not so close) may be keenly aware that I am teetering on the edge of my faculties right now. No, I have not given any real consideration to jumping into the Potomac; I do want to have a child someday after all. But I am simply not feeling myself. That happens every once in a while- everything seems to be going blatantly wrong. And I know some of you might have days like that, so I decided in an effort to try and make myself feel better, I would give these helpful tips for the next time you (or I) feel a touch of the blues.

Retail Therapy.
Shopping is my favorite sport. I love fashion. I will even go so far as to say I am a trend whore. To me, fashion can transform you in a variety of ways. And when I’m feeling down, buying something always makes me feel better (my wachovia check card seems to approve too). So I had a date this Friday that I was looking forward to. So I bought a fantastic little number for the occasion (the one in the pic, only I look way better.). Not that I didn’t have any number of options in my closet mind you, but I wanted something different, and new. But alas, he canceled. Permanently as it turns out. No doubt I was feeling bummed was prepared to take the dress back since I no longer needed it. And then my friend reminded me, and I quote, ‘you looked fabulous in that dress. You should consider keeping it. No need to plan for the next date or anything like that, just consider it for you’. And you know what? She’s right. I looked fucking amazing in that dress if I do say so myself, so I have decided to keep the dress I don’t need because I looked incredible and will find another time to wear it. And soon. Ladies, if you’re feeling down, go out and buy yourself something pretty. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or expensive, just something that makes you feel good. A new perfume, that clutch you’ve been eying, perhaps that dress you pass by in the window every day on your way to work? It’s worked for me, and I can guarantee it will work for you.

Drowning your sorrows.
Now before anyone jumps down my throat, I am not suggesting anyone turn into an alcoholic. I don’t know any (although I seem to encounter one daily on my bus route), but I’m sure its no fun. Whatever you drink (or eat, or smoke, whatever) do it in moderation. But I fully support doing it alone. There was a time in my life when I thought drinking hard liquor alone could lead to my drunken debaucheries being chronicled on an episode of Intervention in the foreseeable future. But I’ve long since abandoned that notion. If you are feeling gloomy, pop the cork on a bottle of wine or measure out a shot of Grand Marnier, put your feet up and read a trashy magazine. Or if you’re feeling bold, go out and have a drink by yourself! Throw off that snuggie and put on something nice and go for a glass of wine at your local watering hole. If nothing else you will meet some interesting characters and maybe even find yourself smiling in spite of it all.

Reach out and touch someone
Many of the people I known and love are far away from me. Some of them have lives that include husbands, children, etc. And at some point people leave. On a recent road trip when I was going through a bad break up of sorts, my dearest friend Sarah said to me, ‘if you feel the urge to pick up the phone and call him, don’t. Call me’. I will always remember that because knowing that she was going to be far away was hard, but knowing that she would always be there for me if I needed her meant everything. And others have extended the same branch. My best friend of 22 years has certainly talked me off the ledge on more than one occasion and no one can make me laugh about absolutely nothing at all like she can. So ladies, if you’re feeling blue. pick up the phone and call your BFF. They always know the right things to say to get you our of a funk. A story about something lame in our lives, the cute boy we were crushing on or the latest Gilt craving is something only you and your BFF can chat about over and over again and it never gets old.

How sweet it is, to be loved by you
I’m a great person. And sometimes when life gets you down its hard to remember that. So even though I can’t afford it, I’m going to do something nice for myself. Buy myself some flowers maybe, or go get a massage. Yesterday I stood in line for an hour for a lobster roll and this morning I had a pumpkin latte. Neither of which I needed but both were a necessary reward to remind myself that I am worth it. I am worth loving and being loved, I am worth being compensated for the work I do, I am worth that dream vacation I want to take, I am worth being an ear for someone when they need it and getting a shoulder when I need it. And you are too. Treat yourself to something nice this weekend. A cupcake from Hello Cupcake. A mani/pedi. A long soak in a hot bath. Do it. You’re worth it.

I hope this has helped you, or will help you in the future. It’s helped me a bit.

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The wacky, lame, twisted and just plain wrong..

Posted by humphreysworld on October 22, 2010

Wow. Where do I even start? I can think of a dozen reasons why I would prefer to never have heard these stories, one of which is my desire to maintain my sanity. But hey, if they didn’t exist I would have nothing to write about! And I do so enjoy entertaining you (or at least maintaining the illusion that I am). I hope you’ve eaten because some of this stuff might make you want to hurl. Or scramble your brain with a sharp pencil.

Ding Dong the Witch is Dumb.
Sigh. You know, if this was the 50’s, everyone would look at this idiot and think they’ve proven their point as to why women don’t belong in politics. And I think what’s even sadder than her level of intellect are the people who follow her and actually believe what she says. I would like to put her stupidity into words, but she does it so much better. So if you dare, watch this video. And then thank your lucky stars that you still use your brain. And read a book, it might comfort you just a little.

I want my mummy!
I realize there may be mentally something wrong with this woman so I won’t give her a lot of grief. But this is just creepy. I wonder how long this woman was planning on driving around with a body in her car. Yes, a body. Police happened to look into a car that was blocking a driveway and noticed a foot poking out of a blanket. When they decided to break the windows to investigate, they were met with an odor that can only be described as death- and in this it was literally the stench of death. A dead woman was discovered in the car, along with a box of baking soda which had long given up covering up the smell. The woman was believed to be dead between 3 and 10 months. According to the owner of the car, the woman was homeless and she offered her car to the woman as refuge from the cold. When she discovered she had died, she was too afraid to run to popo and spill the deets. Um, yeah. I would say I didn’t believe her, but who the hell would make up something like that?

Don’t laze me bro!
Oh Bieber, bullying is a no no! Especially a little turd of your caliber. Biebs is just a regular teen. And just like any other teen he wanted to take a break for a little lazer tag with his buds (I wonder if his entourage of friends all sport a similar ‘do…). But apparently a bunch of fellow taggies ganged up on baby Biebs and the game got a little ugly when a fellow tween twerp got aggressive and called him a few nasty words and Biebs put the smack down. Don’t panic girls! Allegedly (I have to use words like these since nothing is confirmed. I don’t have money for a lawyer), he was being heavily targeted by fellow taggers and it got nasty when the kid called JB a fa**ot). Well  baby Biebs busted a move of a different kind and pushed him to the ground. I don’t condone the use of that word on anybody. But Biebs may have gone a step to far by pushing the little shit down (if he in fact did). Baby, baby, baby, No!

The very, very bad seed.
Man, Randy Quaid can’t get a break. It seems like every time he and his wife break the law the police are right on their ass. Can’t a thief get some peace!! The Quaid’s couldn’t catch a break here in the good old U.S. of A so they thought they could find peace in Canada. Unfortunately Bonnie & Clyde were wrong. It’s hard to keep up with their crime spree, but last I heard they were camping out in someone’s house. Only it wasn’t theirs. They were released on bail but instead of showing up for court they fled to Canada. Upon being arrested, Mrs. Quaid tried to plead with the Canadian coppers to not send them back because quote, “too many of her husband’s actor friends have died under mysterious circumstances and she’s worried something will happen to him next.” Here’s the hole in her theory: Randy hasn’t acted in years, so killing him would be pointless. It’s not like we’d be subjected to your movies. Hell I loved Randy in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation! I’d fully support a return to acting as opposed to the crime spree he’s been on.

Phew, what a week! I wish I got paid for this.

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