The World According to Humphrey

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Dear Wallet

Posted by humphreysworld on June 5, 2012

Dear wallet,

You selfish, politically motivated bastard. When I look at you, empty and weak it makes me want to barf. For years you have been clamoring for pay equity in the workplace– and for what?? Don’t you sit at home watching Judge Judy all day? Oh, so you have the same degree as a man– and?! Two degrees?? Even better. Smart Ass. Just because you have to work twice as hard for 1/2 of the pay, doesn’t mean jack squat.

Clearly your needs are politically motivated.

To think, you want to buy a house, save some money, support your family– in other words get paid what you’re worth– what gives you the right? Somebody call the waahmbulance! Sorry wallet, but those tree branches hiding in your nether regions tell me otherwise. Those fallopian tubes tell me you- A, shouldn’t be working and B, if you do, you can’t possibly working as hard as a man is. Who ever heard of such a thing! How did they even let you in school? Something is wrong with this picture.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. Pay equity is the right thing to do. It will right decades long wrongs, and help you actually get paid what you’re worth. Unfortunately for you wallet, I see right through this. And it’s my duty to speak for my constituents: Men and trial lawyers. They’re the ones who will be hurt most if your paycheck actually looks like a man’s. Imagine! If we paid you equitably, why, we’d have to start looking at all other forms of discrimination! Sorry, not on my watch.

The best thing for you to do is to maybe take up another job, maybe in the service industry? I figure, two is better than one- and who knows! You may end up making more than me. If your family, health, relationships and overall well-being suffers, well, sometimes we have to make sacrifices.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. It’s not me, its you. I can’t look like I care; and frankly, I don’t. But it’s more than that. A leg up for you means a leg up for everyone, and the system can’t work that way. Not if I want to continue to benefit from it anyway.

Well, I hope you understand. No hard feelings huh? See you in November.


The Republican Party.


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