The World According to Humphrey

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A letter from America

Posted by humphreysworld on April 20, 2011

Dear BP,

Hey BP, America here. How’s life treating you? Pretty good I assume, since you got a nice fat refund off my back. You can buy more oil rigs with that money! Me? I’m great. Why, I manage to chug along in spite of all you, your greedy cohorts and countless others continue to throw my way. I’m resilient. But I gotta tell you BP, I’m pissed the fuck off.

photo courtesy of Boston.com. Damage courtesy of BP.

You know why? Well let’s see here. While I struggle to make ends meet, you are living large and in charge. But my peeps in the gulf are falling apart. Falling apart as a result of your greed, if you don’t mind me saying. Families are falling apart, dead animals are still washing ashore, and it looks as though fishing in the area is a thing of the past. Unless of course Americans decide that the newest delicacy is three-eyed fish with arms. Then we’re back in business!

Now I know you ‘apologized’; you and your cronies sort of did your best to appear as though you were really sorry about what happened. You also promised to make it right. Tsk, tsk, tsk. BP, didn’t your mom ever tell you not to tell a lie? Your nose is covered in oil, Pinocchio! You promised to make people whole again, and yet many people in the region haven’t seen a dime. But you have, haven’t you? Come on BP, tell me, what are you going to do with $10 million of our money? Iphone 5’s for all staff? Two weeks in the Galapagos Islands for your top executives? Top notch hookers? It must be nice. Louis and Audrey Neal are headed for divorce because this disaster has literally ripped their family apart and left them in financial ruin. Of course, the 11 families of people who died because you insisted on pushing forward despite the warnings would say their lives are changed forever. But $10 million can buy you plenty of tears so why worry? The minute of silence you held today, did you mark it by the time on your new Rolex?

Maybe I’m bitter. America doesn’t like to look like a sucker, and you punked me, you punked me good. And yeah, maybe I am hating on that $10 million dollar refund you got. Frankly, I’d like to spread some of that wealth to the needy who are unfortunately spread beyond the gulf. But hey, fair is fair. Can you help it if you have friends in high places to write you favorable tax laws so you can pillage my riches? In some ways, one could say you’re a victim too. But who the fuck would say that?

I hate for it to come to this, but you leave me no choice. It’s on. America’s gloves are coming off BP, you have been warned. People have had enough. It’s taken them a while, but I think they’re coming around. We are going to bust a move to be truly beyond petroleum. Cuz we’ve had enough. You bitch-slapped America for the last time.

I hope you invested some of that $10 million wisely, you’re gonna need it.

See you in hell,

America

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