The World According to Humphrey

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The politics of being a woman.

Posted by humphreysworld on April 18, 2011

On behalf of my species, I would like to apologize to you. The government shut down was all my fault. If it wasn’t for my kind, you wouldn’t have had to endure all that worrying, wondering if and when you might get back to work, wondering how you were going to pay your bills. If I wasn’t such a slut with loose morals, why, the government surely would have nothing to argue about and they would have surely not held your paychecks and futures for ransom.

You see, the fight was over my right to healthcare.

I am such a bitch. I know now that accessing services when I need it most is a ridiculous notion. Some of my sisters and I recognize that you undoubtedly have top notch healthcare that is paid for by your employers, and we are selfish enough to want access to services I may or may not have had access to. I mean, why should I have a trusted provider to turn to to screen my hoochie coochie for cancer? And I know we just went too far in thinking that, while viagra is covered by insurance for men, I shouldn’t expect my birth control to be covered. I’m a slut and I get what I deserve. Not to mention I shouldn’t be having sex unless I’m married anyway. No, this time I’ve gone too far. I let my selfish needs get in the way of passing the budget and I should be thrown out of office!

Now that you’ve had a minute to realize this is a load of shit, I’ll let you take a minute to figure out who is to blame for what went down with regards to the budget negotiations. I’ll give you a hint: their party logo has a big fat ass and a trunk full of shit.

Believe what you want, but the reason many of you were on the verge of government shut down for the first time since 1995 is because the republican party wanted to use my health as a bargaining chip in the fight for an alleged balanced budget. They wanted to cut Title X money and were willing to go all the way to get it. The only thing that saved Title X and potentially lives and health of women is the fact that the democrats for once demonstrated what could only be described as a temporary backbone. What is Title X you ask? I’m happy to tell you! Title X provides reproductive and related preventative services such as cancer screenings, HIV education and prevention and pelvic screenings to individuals, for starters. This little law provides critical services to all, but particularly low income individuals. Title X money goes to more than 4500 community based clinics, health centers, tribal organizations, faith-based organizations and other independent clinics. But for many years, Planned Parenthood, one of these providers, has been a target of the right because of their support of the right to abortion. That does not mean that Title X pays for abortions. In fact, the law prohibits it. And unlike bonehead Senator Kyl (it’s high time you retire, asshole), abortion is not 90% of what Planned Parenthood does- whether it was intended to be a factual statement or not. More like 3%. The other 97%- you know, the part that gives me and countless others access to healthcare when they need it most- is why the GOP was prepared to shut the government down.

I don’t know what slimy troll whispered in their ear and told them to back off, but they did. But not for long. They have indicated that they aren’t through with Title X which means the war on women (and poor people) continues.

Ladies next time you’re shopping for toothpaste and toilet paper at Walgreens, bring your speculum. Because the people simply won’t stand for your needs getting in the way of progress. It’s un-American!


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