The World According to Humphrey

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Express shipping available on Post-T-Vac and more!

Posted by humphreysworld on December 19, 2010

Those of you who choose to wait until the last minute to buy your Christmas/Festivus gifts do so probably because you don’t know what to get. Well lucky for you I watch a lot of t.v. and can provide you some easy recommendations that you can have under your tree in no time for the special someone in your life.

The succubus
One night when I woke up to tinkle, the murmur of an infomercial caught my eye. At first I thought I still had sleep in my eye, then I realized I was fully awake- and not in a nightmare like I had hoped. Ladies and gents, I give you, Post-t-vac. If you know someone who needs a little help, uh, priming the pump, this is likely the gift for you. It’s like a flowbee for your peen, and according to the old farts in the commercial (and some youngin’s too), it works. Who needs a cream or pill when you can attach this sucker and be ready to go in minutes? Now I know what you’re thinking- it looks like those little capsules that you exchange money through the drive thru teller window with. Well, in both instances you’re hoping to make a deposit right?

Do you love stylish, sexy jeans?
If you do, you shouldn’t buy these. But if you want to give your girlfriends a one-way ticket to camel toe you need to buy a pair of pajama jeans in every size! I do not know what in hells bells possessed someone to create these, but the minute I have a stupid idea I think people will fall for I plan on getting it boxed up and sold to the masses-stat. They are jeans that feel like pj’s. Or pj’s that look like jeans. Either way, you can ride a bike and afterwards take a nap in them. This may the perfect gift for a grandma on the go. I believe there are pockets for her jitterbug.

An old fashioned
What’s good about the shake weight is that it’s available for men AND women! What better way to say I love you than a gift that will help them bone up on their HJ skills? This gift promises to get results in 6 minutes- that’s pretty damn good! Take it from Doug (at the 1:31 mark), he feels insanely hard from using shake weight. Merry Christmas.

Jersey pets, we have something for you, too!
Don’t lie, you know you want a snuggie for your dog. And now you can dress him or her in the latest fashion trend- leopard! That’s right, your dog will be the talk of the park with this fashion forward blanket. I wish they made them for cats.

These gifts are the perfect way to say I love you. Or I hate you. Or you’re inadequate. Or I wish you gave a better HJ. Be sure to leave Santa a $20 bill if you put these on your list. It will help soften the blow of humiliation when he puts in the order with the elves.

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