The World According to Humphrey

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Surviving the winter with your dignity intact.

Posted by humphreysworld on December 7, 2010

Damn it’s cold out!! Morning walks to metro are unbearable. And don’t even remind me of how cold it is when I get in bed. But what to do? Now I know what you might be thinking- time to secure yourself a winter bunny (also known as a winter boo) to help warm up the feet (and other parts) to get through this winter. BUT WAIT!!! That bunny is  tempting, don’t get me wrong. And with the drop in temperature having direct correlation on lapses in judgment and higher tolerance for B.S., this may be sounding more and more like a good idea. But before you put yourself out there, remove your winter blinders (and hat, and scarf, and gloves…) and take a minute to heed my warnings before you end up wishing you could have the next 3 months (or 3 hours, I’m not passing judgment) back.

The New Bunny
Dating feels very much like interviewing for a job. It’s time consuming, you always have to look your best, and you must showcase your best qualities at all costs. It’s fucking exhausting if I can be frank. You meet people, you exchange emails, you go out, blah blah. Or you don’t. Sometimes you don’t click, he or she changes their mind, they have no manners, etc. etc. I don’t have to tell you this, folks. But in the winter, reasoning tends to go out the window. The end result is you may end up exchanging info with someone you might not otherwise talk to. Or go out on that second date because it’s warm in TGIFriday’s which is where he wants to take you. Stop right there! Consider this bunny very carefully; he or she might be a dud. Case in point: some joker who I just met told me yesterday that he wanted to ‘whisper something in my ear to make me feel better’. Ewww. Had I not used better judgment, I might have given that troll my number, and lord knows that he would have been hard to shake. It’s bad enough he’s got my email. But google is really good with getting rid of spam so if my response didn’t get rid of him, spam blocker will. I fully support dating at all times of the year, but if alarm bells are going off, don’t shrug them off. You’re probably right.

The old, familiar bunny
I know you all know who I’m talking about. Your ex. The one who told you she hated your guts, the one who told you he couldn’t commit, the one who revealed a quirk too creepy, even for you. But its like your old pj’s from college (yes, I still have mine, don’t judge me!): they are cuddly, familiar, and seem to do well in the wash no matter how many holes they have. But one call or text to him or her- particularly if it’s a recent breakup- could end up in disaster. I’ve been there. If you are feeling like you need to hear a familiar voice call up a friend. Better yet, call a parent. No one has the ability to make you feel completely idiotic and at the same time a little better than your parent. And if that doesn’t work, turn off your phone and retreat under your covers. Trust me, this is the best decision.

The energizer bunny
Oh boy.  Stay. Away. Believe me. I know how tempting this one is, for many, many reasons. But you will end up with a one trick pony (or multiple tricks, if you were blessed) with no brain who couldn’t hold a conversation to save a life. Not that I know any of this from experience… Don’t. Buy a toy. Buy a dog. Buy an Xbox. Just don’t pick up that phone. Delete the number, and walk away. Period.

The random bunny
See energizer bunny. Walk away.

I am all for finding love with the right person at the right time. Animals do it in the winter, and the result is cute baby animals at the zoo that make me squeal with delight. But ladies and gents, just proceed with caution. In the meantime, buy an electric blanket! Drink lots of hot totties! Borrow my cat (he’s very cuddly) or get one of your own! Snuggies are also very popular, and they come in a variety of fashionable patterns.  Follow my advice and you’ll find the right one when he or she is ready to come along, whatever season it is.

Now where did I put those bunny slipppers…


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